thinklets

Level of semantic hysteria 'worst in history'

Last week former Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, pronounced the Iraq War the “worst disaster in American history,” proving something that I’ve been suspecting for a long time: those darn Democrats sure love their superlatives.

 

It’s especially true this election season. You can’t turn on your radio or television without hearing some form of shrill grammatical extremism: Usually “never/always/most/worst” frequently followed by “in history.”

 

It figures. Immersed as we are in an election-year war of words, declaring something the “worst in history,” has so much more punch than just saying that it “needs improvement.”

 

Nobody mentions that all this hysteria going unchallenged could mean that the level of history knowledge in the United States may well be the worst in history.

 

Ironically, even as they swing wildly from one spurious semantic extreme to the next, Democrats still find time to accuse Republicans of scaring Americans into thinking that crazed religious fanatics want to kill us, because Republicans crave war more than anything – except maybe Wal-Mart hotdogs. (Republicans love Wal-Mart. They always pick a line with an overworked checker, always snarl about the delay, and always choose “no” when asked if the store was clean.)

 

Presidential candidate, Barack Obama, announces every hour that the War on Terror is a Republican delusion, cleverly designed to keep Americans from noticing the truly dire problem that our country faces: five percent unemployment.

 

It seems to be working. Both Democratic presidential candidates are so adept at semantic extremism, that they have got a large percentage of Americans believing that the office of the presidency comes with supernatural powers.

 

Bush, they cleverly imply, could use that presidential power to end poverty, illness, and Cialis commercials; but being as he is the most sadistic president in history, he prefers to let those things continue. 

 

That is when Hillary angelically assures voters that she would use the presidential power to outlaw foreclosures, freeze interest rates, provide healthcare for all, and usher in a thousand years of peace.

 

If she is elected, I’m going to ask her to reverse the course of the Columbia River every year, so the salmon won’t have to work so hard to spawn.

 

Not to be left out, Barack Obama says he would use the power to implement what he calls “shared prosperity.”

 

Here’s how it works: He will require that America’s top wage earners, small business owners, and corporations:

 

• Buy health insurance for everyone
• Raise the minimum wage
• Increase teacher’s salaries
• Provide the “best education the country has to offer,” preschool through college, for all children
• Always make payroll
• Create more and more high-paying jobs
• And never ever lay anyone off

 

Sounds great… except one thing bothers me. If it is so easy, surely someone has tried it before. But in order to know when, you’d have to know your history.

 

(This post was originally published on the Oregonian web site)

Clinton's Tantrums

Speaking of taunting animals, what’s going on with Bill Clinton?

I can’t turn on the television today without seeing those squinty-eyes, his nose reddening as he shoves it in some poor reporter’s face; the sarcastically curled lip as he dumps all of that trademark righteous outrage onto this latest perceived enemy.

Now, I don’t advocate antagonizing animals, even Bill Clinton. But, regarding our slightly unhinged ex-president, I can almost see how a little boredom combined with just a touch of sadism could add a little spice to a slow news day on the campaign trail. One could almost make a game out of it…

***

Game:  Poking the Bear

Ben (reporter): Mr. President can you candidly explain to the American people why they would be safe with another four years of a Clinton White House?

BC: Because Hillary cares about the little people while the current administration only cares about the rich. Hillary will change that. Because Hillary’s a change-maker. A world class change-maker. Now, your question implies you don’t want change so Ah’ll ask you: Why do you want our country to stay under the control of bad people?

Ben: Well, sir, a lot of Americans are still concerned about safety from our enemies. How can Hillary assure the American people that she will be more vigilant than your administration was in detecting and stopping growing threats?

BC: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ah did more to try to kill Bin Laden than all the right-wingers who are attacking me now. And if Ah was still president, Ah’d still be trying. Not like the current administration who don’t even try. They don’t even try because all they want to do is kill innocent little Iraqi babies.

Ben: Sir, I—

BC: You asked me in an accusatory manner, so Ah’ll ask you: Do you think we should be killing innocent little Iraqi babies? Huh?

Ben: No, sir, I—

BC: Because when you asked that question, your position was that we should go in with our big tanks and guns and bombs and kill innocent, helpless Iraqi babies. You think we should just rip out of their mama’s arms and shoot them, don’t you?

Ben: Mr. Clinton, I—

BC: Thank you. Next question?

Back at the news van, Ben confers with Andrea, another reporter.

Andrea: You did okay.

Ben: Okay! I did great!

Andrea: (holds up a card) Here is your score.

Woodpecker (jabs interviewer with index finger): 8

Bad facelift (eyebrows so high his forehead folds like an accordion): Nearly constant.

Fork in the toaster (bad facelift combined with eyes so wide you can see the whites around them): 2

Lip curl (talking with contemptuous smirk): Constant.

Storing nuts (poking his cheeks out with his tongue): 2

Norman Bates (squints eyes and stabs the air repeatedly with index finger): 27

Butterfly net time (led away by handlers; an automatic win): 0

Ben: You’re gonna be toast!

Andrea: You just wait.

Ben: You better go. Are you sure you’ll be okay?

Andrea: I’ll be fine.

Ben: Hillary may get elected you know.

Andrea: I talked to my accountant. They can audit away!

Ben: Are you sure you’re clean?

Andrea: You be the judge: I knocked out a little girl’s tooth with an errant bat swing in Little League when I was seven. I have a cousin who is on antidepressants. There is a family rumor that an uncle on my mother’s side grew up in the same town as Heinrich Himmler.

Ben: Is that all?

Andrea: I had an abnormal Pap smear in 1989, but it turned out to be nothing.

Ben: What about… you know.

Andrea: (stepping out of the van) Don’t worry. I don’t have a dog or a cat. Wish me luck!

Andrea: Mr. President! Mr. President! One more question!

BC: Yes?

Andrea: First of all… I just want to say, I love you!

BC: Why, thank you.

Andrea: Tee hee. Umm… Mr. President, tee hee. Umm… I’m so nervous I’m just groping for words!

BC: Gold-digging slut.

Andrea: Excuse me?

BC: Stalker.

Andrea: Mr. President—

BC: You accuse me, Trailer Trash? You dare accuse me? Ah had nothing to do with that, and you know it.

Andrea: Uh—

BC: You work for Fox News, don’t you?

Andrea: No, I—

BC: You got that little smirk on your face, and you think you’re so clever. This is nothing but a right wing hit job!

James Carville: Come on Billy (leading him away). Everything’s going to be okay. We’ll go get you a nice cheeseburger.

Andrea: (To Ben) Bow to the master.

***

It would never happen.

Michael Moore: Savior of daytime TV?

Watch out! The world’s first oppositional-defiant adolescent with gray stubble is at it again, and I’m starting to feel just a teensy bit peevish about the whole thing.

This time, camera in hand, filmmaker Michael Moore herded some ailing 9/11 heroes to Cuba for the high-minded, humanitarian purpose of denigrating America’s healthcare system -- which, unlike Cuba, is not free and therefore available to its citizens.

Here’s what gets me. I have three very strong-minded boys finally raised and out of the house (with very little bloodshed, I might add), and now I’m expected to endure Michael Moore lurching forth every twenty minutes to heap new abuses on the country that has protected and nurtured him all of his life?

I think I deserve a break.

This could mean no end in sight for all those poor, worn-out parents who are currently sitting on their know-it-all offspring, waiting for them to outgrow the propensity to waltz happily in front of Amtrak trains and then poke Mom and Dad in the eye for saving their lives.

That’s because we now have fifty-something Michael Moore, America’s living proof that some obnoxious brats never grow up.

And we know that a single aberrant manifestation of a dreaded but usually short-lived disorder could signal a new epidemic. After all, AIDs began with just one innocent little monkey and typhoid with a sweet-faced maid in England.

I can just see it now… the supportive website forums, self-help books, and docudramas on the Lifetime Channel as the disorder spreads through the population.

Soon we’ll be nostalgic for the good old days of daytime TV, e.g.: "Our experts help clueless parents figure out why their kid is too fat to cram into the car," or, "Alaska hauls forth another pathetic guy in her desperate 47^th attempt to identify her baby’s father."

Instead we’ll have, "My self-perpetuating oppositional-defiant adolescent, now 65, insists that, even after millions murdered and starved, Soviet-style socialism is what we want for America! Who will save him from himself when Mommy and Daddy are dead?"

I can just see the listing on the Lifetime website: "Explosive new drama, based on a true story! This poignant made-for-TV presentation will dramatize Michael Moore’s struggles with Self Perpetuating Adolescent Rebellion Disorder (SPARD), as manifested by his puppy-dog-like adoration for anyone who hates America.

Don’t forget the Kleenex as Michael, trapped in the hallucinatory bonds of SPARD, declares that Cuba is a Caribbean paradise, Fidel Castro a benevolent Santa Claus, and America a reincarnation of the Third Reich.

Find out if the poignant pleas of many (some of them strangely exhausted, sunburned, and wet) can break through Moore’s powerful compulsion to malign his own country and those who really love him.

Actually, there could be a silver lining. Michael Moore may breathe new life into daytime television… and TV Guide.

Hugo Chavez and the sixth grade meanies

This last week as I observed Hugo Chavez tagging along behind president Bush’s Latin America tour, followers in tow, I was reminded that there is something vaguely familiar about his style of obsessive hatred – You know, the catty lies, vicious ridicule, insults and exclusive I-hate-George parties with Harry and Cindy.

Then it came to me. Could it be that Chavez is afflicted with a rare manifestation of a common adolescent malady, mean girl syndrome?

Imagine for a moment that instead of George and Hugo, we have, say, Heather and Jennifer. Now imagine, if you can, Heather standing before the United Nations saying, "Jennifer spoke in this place like a whole day ago, and it still stinks. She’s always, like, ‘I own the world.’ She totally thinks she’s John Wayne. Whatever. It’s so retarded."

Isn’t that what mean girls do? Bully through gossip, ridicule, and slander?

"He was an alcoholic - you have a president that’s an alcoholic," Chavez expounded from that same podium that has hosted some of history’s greatest statesmen. "He’s a sick man with a complex."

But then a true mean girl would never pass up such an opportunity to socially assassinate her victim, because she needs to build up a network of gullible third parties. For example, useful idiots like Cindy Sheehan, Harry Belafonte, Danny Glover, and all the Americans who waved Venezuelan flags and cheered while a grinning and ingratiating Chavez strutted about on American soil last September, lampooning Bush’s walk.

Would such nastiness from a hostile outsider be tolerated in Venezuela? I don’t think so.

Yet Chavez preaches that the United States government is the "first enemy" of a citizenry virtually strait-jacketed by the Patriot Act.

His unfettered access to American television and radio communications to spout off such profundities would seemingly contradict his words, but then anyone who would call Saddam Hussein his "brother" and nurture cozy relationships with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Fidel Castro may not know what the definitions of freedom and oppression actually are.

All it takes is an entry on the State Department’s list of terrorism sponsors to secure the friendship and allegiance of Chavez, even though the bondage of the Patriot Act would probably seem like a sudden release from gravity to the citizens of those countries.

Still Chavez never passes up an opportunity to express his compassion for the oppressed American people. "I would like to talk about life and greet the US people with a lot of affection, with a lot of love, and with a lot of pain due to the tragedy in New Orleans and the gulf states," he stated after Hurricane Katrina, then went on to describe how he was "...cooperating very humbly in trying to save lives and assist the homeless."

Is this the same Chavez, oozing all this sloppy love for the American people, who presides over a population with 40% poverty and 11% unemployment? And incidently has urged activists worldwide to help bring down the evil "U.S. empire?"

But I have a hunch that deep down Chavez doesn’t really care about the suffering of American citizens. Call me cynical, but I think he’s just trying to buy more members for his I-hate-George club.

As Heather would say, "I think, you know, Hugo is like pretending to be America’s best friend. I mean, if everyone totally liked Hugo more than George, then George couldn’t go around acting like he’s like the boss of everybody."

So, why does Chavez hate? Maybe President Bush had a slumber party and didn’t invite him.

Groundhog Day for Republicans?

Obviously Scooter Libby’s perjury conviction is bad karma for Clinton haters. After all, Bill Clinton was impeached by the House of Representatives for perjury while all the Republicans in Washington cheered wildly.

Now the Republicans are getting a taste of their own medicine. What goes around comes around.

And Clinton and Libby were both convicted of perjury. That makes the two cases virtual carbon copies, right?

Well, sort of.

Libby was convicted of revealing something legal to several people, then lying about the chronological order of those conversations a year later. Libby says he simply remembered wrong, but the jury thought otherwise.

Clinton was impeached after a sordid chain of events that started with his assault then slander of a young working-class woman, Paula Jones.

Let me recap. Clinton pulled down his pants and propositioned Jones shortly after they were introduced. Jones was traumatized and bolted. Then later her name popped up in an unflattering light in a national magazine. Apparently a Clinton aide assumed Jones had served Clinton one of his random quickies that afternoon and mentioned it anecdotally to a reporter.

That’s when things got touchy. Jones had the gall to request an apology from Clinton and was promptly disciplined for her effrontery with a full-blast onslaught of the famous Clinton retaliation machine.

It didn’t work. Jones sued Clinton for sexual harassment

Clinton’s contempt for women was never more apparent than his behavior during the trial. In Clinton-think Jones did not merit fair, perjury-free testimony. But this is America. We don’t have a king, and even a young blue-collar woman doesn’t have to take crap off of the president of the United States.

Hence Clinton was impeached for perjury, and Republicans have been paying for it ever since.

Everybody says Clinton oozes charisma. I never could see it. His embarrassingly over-sentimental mannerisms always reminded me of Dopey in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I was amazed by the saccharin photo-op after the Lewinsky scandal blew wide open. You remember the one – with the faithful, devoted family at his side, standing on the church steps lugging a Bible as big as a sofa cushion. It was an insult to the public’s intelligence, so I thought anyway.

I was wrong. It made people feel warm and cozy all over America.

But then I never did get the Clinton thing. My boys learned that they shouldn’t pull down their pants in front of strangers before they were two. But the majority of Americans were fine with their president doing it.

Clinton is a fascinating character study. I don’t think his assaults on women stem from a mental disorder, a compulsion or even an addiction. I am absolutely convinced that each episode is simply a manifestation of his immense conceit.

He truly feels that he alone is entitled to behavior that is off limits to everyone else alive. I am convinced that the famous Clintonian outrage and retaliation against anyone who fails to understand that – even his victims – is completely genuine.

Is that equal to Scooter Libby who after a year incorrectly identified the first person who told him Joe’s Wilson’s wife sent him to Niger?

"Malicious, nefarious lies!" the jury pronounced, although each and every one probably couldn’t tell you what they had for dinner last Wednesday.

Interestingly, that group of supposedly nonpartial, apolitical people secured their spots on the jury by swearing they had no opinion about the case, yet somehow managed to catch on to the popular notion that Libby is a pathetic semi-evil dupe for the truly evil Bush, Rove, and Cheney. Maybe it was by telepathy.

Libby was just trying to set the record straight. After all, Wilson wasn’t going to do it. He wanted everyone to think the Bush administration was stupid enough to send him to Niger.