Speaking of taunting animals, what’s going on with Bill Clinton?
I can’t turn on the television today without seeing those squinty-eyes, his nose reddening as he shoves it in some poor reporter’s face; the sarcastically curled lip as he dumps all of that trademark righteous outrage onto this latest perceived enemy.
Now, I don’t advocate antagonizing animals, even Bill Clinton. But, regarding our slightly unhinged ex-president, I can almost see how a little boredom combined with just a touch of sadism could add a little spice to a slow news day on the campaign trail. One could almost make a game out of it…
***
Game: Poking the Bear
Ben (reporter): Mr. President can you candidly explain to the American people why they would be safe with another four years of a Clinton White House?
BC: Because Hillary cares about the little people while the current administration only cares about the rich. Hillary will change that. Because Hillary’s a change-maker. A world class change-maker. Now, your question implies you don’t want change so Ah’ll ask you: Why do you want our country to stay under the control of bad people?
Ben: Well, sir, a lot of Americans are still concerned about safety from our enemies. How can Hillary assure the American people that she will be more vigilant than your administration was in detecting and stopping growing threats?
BC: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ah did more to try to kill Bin Laden than all the right-wingers who are attacking me now. And if Ah was still president, Ah’d still be trying. Not like the current administration who don’t even try. They don’t even try because all they want to do is kill innocent little Iraqi babies.
Ben: Sir, I—
BC: You asked me in an accusatory manner, so Ah’ll ask you: Do you think we should be killing innocent little Iraqi babies? Huh?
Ben: No, sir, I—
BC: Because when you asked that question, your position was that we should go in with our big tanks and guns and bombs and kill innocent, helpless Iraqi babies. You think we should just rip out of their mama’s arms and shoot them, don’t you?
Ben: Mr. Clinton, I—
BC: Thank you. Next question?
Ben confers with Andrea, another reporter.
Andrea: You did okay.
Ben: Okay! I did great!
Andrea: (holds up a card) Here is your score.
Woodpecker (jabs interviewer with index finger): 8
Bad facelift (eyebrows so high his forehead folds like an accordion): Nearly constant.
Fork in the toaster (bad facelift combined with eyes so wide you can see the whites around them): 2
Lip curl (talking with contemptuous smirk): Constant.
Storing nuts (poking his cheeks out with his tongue): 2
Norman Bates (squints eyes and stabs the air repeatedly with index finger): 27
Butterfly net time (led away by handlers; an automatic win): 0
Ben: You’re gonna be toast!
Andrea: No I’m not.
Ben: Okay, you’re turn. Are you sure you’ll be okay?
Andrea: I’ll be fine.
Ben: What if Hillary is elected?
Andrea: I talked to my accountant. They can audit away!
Ben: Are you sure you’re clean?
Andrea: You be the judge: I knocked out a little girl’s tooth with an errant bat swing in Little League when I was seven. I have a cousin who is on antidepressants. There is a family rumor that an uncle on my mother’s side grew up in the same town as Heinrich Himmler.
Ben: You're sure that's all?
Andrea: I had an abnormal Pap smear in 1999, but it turned out to be nothing.
Ben: What about… you know.
Andrea: (stepping out of the van) Stop worrying. I don’t even have a cat.
Andrea: Mr. President! Mr. President! One more question!
BC: Yes?
Andrea: First of all… I just want to say, I love you!
BC: Why, thank you.
Andrea: Tee hee. Umm… Mr. President, tee hee. Umm… I’m so nervous I’m just groping for words!
BC: What did you say?
Andrea: What do you mean?
BC: Gold-digging slut.
Andrea: Mr. President… I’m sorry if I—
BC: Stalker.
Andrea: Mr. President—
BC: You accuse me, Trailer Trash? You dare accuse me? Ah had nothing to do with that, and you know it.
Andrea: Uh—
BC: You work for Fox News, don’t you?
Andrea: No, I—
BC: You got that little smirk on your face, and you think you’re so clever. This is nothing but a right wing hit job!
James Carville: Come on Billy (leading him away). Everything’s going to be okay. We’ll go get you a nice cheeseburger.
Andrea: (To Ben) Bow to the master.
***
It would never happen.
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